


The Little Things Give You Away

by meiloslyther



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco, The Young Veins
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-13
Updated: 2009-07-13
Packaged: 2017-11-19 10:20:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/572221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meiloslyther/pseuds/meiloslyther
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan intrigues Brendon, and Brendon is curious (and probably too insightful for his own good).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Little Things Give You Away

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't know if I should post this until my beta told me it was good, so I thank her a lot. This took quite a bit of research on my part, and [this place](http://www.patdonline.com/gallery/) helped A LOT with hair references.

I knew the moment I first saw Ryan that he was different somehow. Not in a bad way, and not in a weird way, he was just different. There was something special about him, something I could tell Spencer could see and knew about. Something Brent was oblivious to and it was probably one of the reasons I started to not like him. It was a dumb reason, I know, and it didn't make sense to me in my head; none of it did.

It was something about how Ryan was just a little too thin, a little too pale, his voice a little too high. Not quite as feminine as he could be, but there was that hint, that tiny little whisper in my head. It was those eyes, those beautiful caramel colored eyes, the way one of them squinted a little more than the other when he smiled.

I refused to believe it was just me being a horny, secretly bi-curious teenage boy. There was something special about Ryan Ross, and I wanted to know what it was.

I think it was that day that I kind of fell in love with him, too.

***

I was looking at the pictures from the photoshoot we had just been in when I noticed it again. Ryan's hair had gotten fairly long, and he had been dying it black. His jeans were tight around his thin legs, the suit jacket making his shoulders look broader than they really were.

Maybe it was just the lighting, or maybe the contrast of the green on his blue t-shirt. Maybe it was just because it was a longer shot, the angle, it could have been anything.

He looked just the slightest bit more feminine. Not by a lot, but enough that I noticed. Of course, I noticed quite a bit about Ryan.

The way his voice still cracked at eighteen, and how it was slowly deepening. The way his face was so smooth looking all the time, like he shaved every twelve hours or something. The slight hint of muscle in his upper arms. His perfect, white teeth. That adorable little button nose.

Okay, so I was in love after only a few months. Sue me.

***

"I look like a girl."

It wasn't just a self-mocking kind of statement; there was fear and anger in his voice.

"No you don't, Ry."

He looked down at me in the mirror of the dressing room as we got ready for our next show. His hair had gotten pretty long, and it was past his chin by now. He did look pretty girly, but I wasn't about to tell him that. Not when he sounded like that.

"My hair's too long."

I shrugged at him. "Cut it then. No one's stopping you."

When we met back up for the next tour, his hair was cut shorter, his bangs coming just below his eyebrows, the rest covering his ears and tapering down in the back. It did make him look more boyish, I thought, but I didn't mention it.

"Loving your hair, Ry," was all I said.

He smiled at me.

***

Jon had only been with us for maybe a month when Ryan started wearing makeup. And I'm not talking about on stage, that started with the headlining tour. No, I'm talking in public. Interviews and appearances and things like that. Nothing over the top, it was just a bit of eyeliner, that's all. But it was enough.

Eventually it evolved into a bit of eyeshadow to go with the dash of eyeliner, maybe a hint of glitter if you looked close enough. But it was okay, it was Ryan. He styled his hair in a way that made him look like a man, a slight peppering of stubble appearing along his jaw, like he forgot to shave just once. A pimple popped up here and there. He didn't look so girly for once.

But it was odd. It seemed like he was going through puberty at twenty.

And suddenly he was dating Keltie, and it didn't make any sense at all. Maybe it was just me being judgmental, maybe it was the makeup and the feminine demeanor, but I could have sworn he was gay. At least I could hope he was bisexual or something.

He wore more eye makeup than Keltie at the New Years party.

***

I didn't really pay attention, but the makeup stopped at some point. He stopped straightening his hair. He went into a sort of hippie stage or something. He wore headbands and shit like that. I didn't really care.

He was with Keltie, and there was nothing I could do. It was great that he was happy and everything, but I couldn't help thinking that he could be with me. Couldn't help thinking that he SHOULD be with me.

But I noticed when he chopped all his hair off. And I mean ALL of it. Well, he didn't shave it or anything, but the majority of it just vanished. The cut made him look like a little boy.

"Dude, where'd your hair go?"

He just laughed, running his long bony fingers through the short strands. "Makes me look more manly," he replied with a shrug and a grin before walking off.

After the show that night, I cried myself to sleep.

***

It was maybe a month or so after he and Keltie split up that we, for some reason, were getting drunk in the bus. Not a completely rare occurrence, but we usually liked to have a lot more people around.

Jon and Spencer disappeared into the back of the bus at some point and I was apparently trying to feel Ryan up. He wasn't having any of it.

"Bren, Bren, stop."

I giggled drunkenly and kissed him sloppily. He didn't fight it. I tried again for the pants, but he stopped me again.

"What, you don't want me?" I asked, a lazy grin on my face.

He shook his head. "It's not that."

"Then let's get to it, babe," I replied huskily, going for his belt.

He stopped me again, and I was starting to get really frustrated. "Bren, stop. Listen to me."

I looked back up to his face; he was serious. I stilled.

"I'm... I'm not what you think I am."

I tilted my head to the side, thoroughly confused.

His eyes darted to the side. "I'm... I'm... I don't have... guy parts," he muttered.

"What?"

"I was born a girl, Brendon. Georgina Ryan Ross. But I'm not really a girl, not at all."

There was that fear, that anger again in his voice, even at a whisper, and in his beautiful caramel eyes. So that was what it was. This was the vibe I had gotten from him from the beginning, that 'something special, something different' that was too strong to ignore. I had known before I even knew. And I was okay with it, I realized. It was Ryan.

I tipped his chin so that he was looking at me again. "Not at all," I agreed, pressing my lips to his.

He flinched when I pulled away. "You don't hate me?"

"I'm too in love with you to care."

His lips curled up into a smile and he kissed me that time, pulling me down on top of him on the couch. "Still wanna fuck me?"

I nipped at his ear. "Only if you'll take it like a man for me."

He let out a bark of a laugh and gripped my hair tight, pulling me back up to his mouth for another, deeper kiss. I pawed his shirt off and looked down at his bare chest. I traced the faint scars outlining where his breasts had been, briefly wondering when he had gotten the surgery, before kissing a line down his chest and stomach.

"You're perfect," I muttered against his navel.

I looked up to find him blushing, a wide smile on his face. My hands went to his belt again, but he stopped me once more. I glanced back up, the question in my eyes.

"Thanks, Bren. For everything," was all he said before releasing my hands.

So Ryan was different. Ryan was different, but I didn't care. I didn't give a flying fuck because he was mine, all mine. And just that in itself was enough to let me look over the fact that he had one extra hole down there and didn't have a penis. Well, at least not a very big one. But who cares, okay? Ross was MINE.

Okay, so I was completely and utterly in love with Ryan Ross. Sue me.  



End file.
